I hope everyone had a great Easter. We had Easter lunch at my mom’s and Easter dinner at his mom’s. My oldest actually showed for both. Wifey wasn’t feeling well and stayed home. I believe I mentioned that would happen.
I had a great story to share with you today. My husband said I couldn’t share it, it was embarrassing. But it would have really showed how perfect we are for each other.
*Honey if you are reading this…. first how the hell did you find it? I haven’t shared the name and I don’t save passwords. So HOW? And second…. See I am not laughing at you but rather with you! And I would never tell them the story you shared with me on Saturday night, you know the one…….
Where last Sunday, when we here having such a shitty day and you grabbed the handle on the truck door and it broke and of course you got pissed, I mean who wouldn’t? And that, that night when you went to get in the truck to go to work and grabbed the handle and remembered that it was broke and you walked around to the passenger side, opened the door and reached across and opened the door from the inside and when you closed the passenger side door, unbeknownst to you, the driver’s side door closed. Of course you didn’t know this until you got to the driver’s side and had to go back around to the passenger side and open the door from the inside and closed the door and walked around to the driver’s side and found the door closed again, and had to walk BACK around to the passenger side and open the door from the inside again and only thought right before walking around again that you should open the window just in case the door closed again and it was a good thing because when you got over there, the door had closed again. I would never share that story, since you think it is an embarrassing story. No it doesn’t show that you are an idiot.*
So though I had this perfect story to show just how perfect we are together and how sometimes we share the same brain, he gets custody of it most of the time. But I will tell you when he told me this forbidden story, I started laughing, he gave me that snotty HEEHEE laugh and went to the house to get something he forgot. I had almost composed myself and then he walked out of the door and I lost it again! I begged him to let me please go in and post this before I wet myself, he said HAHA NO! I told him I guess it could wait until Monday to start making the rounds of the Internet. He said HAHA NO! I said come on, you can’t give me a perfect post and say no! He said Uh, Yea I can. He then threatened to never share with me again. I told him I would have to think about it. I do have another story, he NEVER said not to share this one, I guess he thinks I have some sort of standards and wouldn’t post this one. Boy, he doesn’t know me very well…….
As I said we ate lunch at Momma’s, she is a fabulous cook! We had Boston Butt, turkey, macaroni salad, potato salad, deviled eggs, baked beans, mashed tators, various raw veggies and a lot of good food. And then we went to eat MIL’s to eat supper. We had turkey, ham, dressing, potato salad, slaw, deviled eggs, some sort of beans and a lot of other food. She ALWAYS cooks too much food. Anyway, we hadn’t went to clean yet and after supper we went to clean the office, Hubby invited the oldest to go with us so that we could continue our visit. Everything was going smoothly, we were talking away and enjoying our visit. Hubby stopped to get gas for my little car and when he got back in the car he made the comment I hope that didn’t follow me in here. I thought nothing of it, I should have! About 3 seconds later in mid sentence, a stink like no other stink in the world assaulted my nose. went up it and slammed me into the floorboard of the car! I was gagging! Hubby, well, he was laughing, so was Easy E. I rolled down the window in an attempt to get relief from this awful smell, Easy E stopped laughing and started gagging. I had sent it back to him! We finally got rid of the stench, all was good! Then Hubby started squirming in his seat, his eyes started watering, he covered his nose with his shirt, he complained of being blind. Yes, he had did it again! He farted and it was nastier than the first! He was laughing and gagging, Easy E was trying to hang his head out of my window. I told him to STOP IT! Hubby said it was a testament to good food. I told him it smelled like he had eaten a heaping serving of raw sewage! We got to the office, finally I could get away from the stink that is my husband. A few times, I noted my oldest would run away from an area gasping for air and trying to sniffle without having to smell and wiping the tears from his eyes. I would hear my darling husband laughing! I told him before we got in the car for the 45 minute ride home, to get all of it out of his system! Would you believe, no less than 10 times, my husband gassed us!!!! He would never say a word, he would never make a sound, a smell would just stick 2 fingers up your nose and throw you to the ground! And he would laugh. We would gag and gasp for air and wipe the tears from our eyes. He continued after we got home. He would squirm and then the smell would get you. Then my precious daughter got in on the competition! She put him to shame! I told my oldest to run away, while he still had a chance! It was too late for me, but save himself. I went to lay with hubby for a couple of minutes when he went to bed, Daisy went with us. She went under the covers and QUICKLY went to my pillow to get away from it! She just stared at him. He said uh oh, I think I have another one, the dog whined!!!!! I told her to run away, She will roll in horse shit, but this was too bad for her.
I went to bed last night, in his sleep, my husband was still torturing me! He actually fluffed the covers up after each burst from his ass! IN HIS SLEEP! I know he was asleep, he was snoring in a way he only snores in his deepest sleep. I thought he had shit himself many times, the smell just hung in the air. My car still had a scent in it this morning!
Why do men think this is so funny? The worse it smells, the funnier it is. Women don’t generally rip one and laugh if it makes her husband gag. Women generally don’t rip one that is bad enough to gag anyone, and if by some chance she does, she tries not to do it again.
Being a sweet southern belle, I don’t pass gas! I excuse myself to the bathroom, release a non lethal smelling bit of air and come back to the room and no one is the wiser. I DENY that I do it ever! My family doesn’t believe me.
My sainted Grandma, would raise her leg and rip one regardless of where she was and it didn’t matter where you were sitting she pointed it toward you. My Granddaddy would say, “Mattie, my God!” And she would reply, “There is more room out than in.” I will never forget the time she let one rip at a restaurant, she thought it would be silent and it was the loudest fart I had ever heard in my short life. I guess people wouldn’t have stared at her, if she had not had 5 grand kids rolling on the floor laughing. So I guess men and children think it is funny. Oh, hell, I admit it, I am sitting here laughing as I type this.
Oh and you didn’t read the note to my husband did you? If you did then you read the story I was not to tell. Don’t tell him.
On a different front, my niece was harassed to no end yesterday. She brought it on herself. Never tell this bunch of idiots anything! My MIL was going on about how the dogs had puked and dookied all over where the eggs were to be hid. It was dookie this and dookie that. My niece, not the brightest sometimes, said she hated that word! She was asked what other words she hated. Again she was being set up. She said she hated the word titties. So every other word for the next 10 minutes was dookie or titties. What did she expect? I told her she had gotten to high flutin’ for us here country folk *I believe there was some nose rubbing, butt picking and possibly a little banjo music going on too* So the more irritated she got, the worse the use of words got. She was laughing at us so, I guess she still loves us. She was a bit pissy when we got there. I know she was FORCED to go, we all were. Red and her husband the ass brought that damn dog and brought her in the house. Sissy, the dog not my niece, is annoying, she wants to climb all over you and she expects everyone to feed her from their plate. She ain’t mine, I ain’t feeding her. Anyway, Bug voiced her displeasure at the dog being there, something along the lines of, Why don’t we all just bring our dogs over and see who’s the worst. I say Sissy will win.” The other SIL points out that the dog goes out BEFORE we eat. The Ass puts her out but promptly starts pouting. Bug, walks by and sniffles and says, “Do you screw her too?” See just pissy, I told her to come sit by me. I also asked if “it” was getting close. Her mom says, next Saturday, if we can stand her that long! I told her to come be pissy with me, we would sit together and bitch about everyone. I love that child, she is almost 17 and she reminds me of someone I really like. OK, it’s me. She is a little slow sometimes, but it’s just “blond moments”.
This is a perfect example of Bug……My husband was going to the funeral home one night and Bug made an innocent comment about how his pants made his butt look good, he told her that was like incest. So she kept it up, she told him how hawt he looked, and how he should dress like that all the time. And she didn’t know her uncle had such a cute tail! He walked out of the door backwards. Yesterday, she told him the pants he was wearing did nothing for his butt. Talk about a dead silence falling over a room! I guess you had to know the whole story or it sounded BAD! She got some looks, even after we tried to explain the whole story, I guess they don’t have our sense of humor, not many do. We are weird. I love when she comes to visit, we have a ball. She lives just down the road and I rarely get to see her anymore. I guess she is outgrowing me. *sniffle, pout*
I guess I better go. Before I do that…. If I have sent anyone a email that was politically incorrect, be it a joke, a picture, or political humor, if I offended, SORRY! I have many email addresses to those who comment me, the computer automatically saves them and I have had a jumpy finger and may have sent out unintended mail to you. I thought it was funny, maybe you didn’t. I don’t think I did, but just in case. I am to lazy to check my sent mail box, it is too full and most of them are sent bcc so I have to go to properties and all that. You see to much work, easier, post it her and apologize to everyone at once. I should move my blogger addresses away from my personal addresses, but again, LAZY!!!! So anyways…… As always…….
HAVE A GREAT DAY AND THANKS FOR VISITING!!!!!
