I had this whole post wrote in my mind yesterday afternoon. I was going to talk of the people who speak of their demon spawn and let them know that they had NOTHING on my 8 year old. How at times I could see her transform right before my eyes….. Horns springing forth from her forehead, fangs, dripping with venom, being bared, razor sharp talons ready to rip the flesh from your bones and leathery wings spreading out wide as she swooped in to eat me alive. Yes, she has been hateful for the past few weeks, she has spewed venom at me on numerous occasions. Everything from poverty to rain is my fault. Her Sims people are unhappy, it is my fault and I am a hateful soul for not taking over her game and making her people happy. The field trip is cancelled and somehow it is my fault that it rained and was stormy. Everything is my fault and I only do it to hurt her.
(I give you fair warning, this is not going to be a humorous post. It will be of the heartache of a child and her journey to find peace in the Lord. I have never been a preacher and I will not be one today. I hope you will return tomorrow to find me in a mood to gripe and make fun of my family. A bit of griping will be done today but I will be posting through tears.)
My plan had been to post of the rottenness of my child. But I can’t post of that. My heart is breaking for her. I can honestly say my heart aches for her. She has had a week from Hell and if there was anything I could do to change it, I would. But there is nothing I can do but pray for her and hold her and give her comfort.
It all started when here at Casa Life, when we decided it was time to thin out the critters. As you may know we are covered up with them. An animal loving mom who passed this on to her only daughter with a spinelessloving father with the inability to tell his only daughter no, has a tendency to overflow with a brood of pets. As the paycheck grew smaller and the food bill grew bigger, it was decided, that some of the food must go. The pets were costing a small fortune to feed. Eight dogs, 4 cats, 2 horses and 2 goldfish eat a lot of food every week. It was coming down to it’s them or us, we had to decide, and the critters lost. We sat our darling down and explained that some of the critters had to go and that we would find them good homes. She was upset but figured as long as they were still here, there was a chance that they would remain here. Yes we brought this on ourselves, but it built so slowly, it went unnoticed until the animal food bill grew so high.
We found a home for Nana and Crisco. As many know, Nana returned to us, it was decided she would remain here til death. We found a home for Dinner, as many know, she was last seen as a blur running across the yard into a tree. No body was ever found and she has yet to return, My hope is she was able to find a home, where she would be cared for. Still we searched for homes for others.
As you also know, our Daisy became sick on Thursday. Friday she was put in the hospital. We have waited rather patiently or impatiently for her return home. We have decided either she died and they don’t have the heart to tell us or they have fallen in love with her and can’t bear to let her come home. This as you might have figured out has been hard on Little Miss. She has cried to no end. She gets her hopes up that Daisy will be coming home, only to be told maybe tomorrow. She was to come home Monday, we were told she was still vomiting and had diarrhea and would need to remain until she was able to keep food down. Tuesday morning we were told she had eaten some Monday night and they would feed her again and if she kept it down, maybe in the afternoon. That afternoon, we were told she was vomiting again and still had bloody diarrhea, maybe tomorrow. This morning, I was told she had a normal bowel movement and had kept food down last night, she was also more active today, she would get more medicine this morning and the vet would check her when she came in and maybe this afternoon but she couldn’t make any promises. I fear this afternoon, we will be told maybe tomorrow.
About 2 weeks ago, we found a young man who wanted to buy the horses. Not grand money, but a little. My father in law had a fit. He is the main reason we had decided to get rid of the horses, he fussed about them so. They ate so much and it was getting expensive to feed them, their feet needed trimming and no end to the gripes he had for the horses. (We had a guy that trimmed their feet, it is not my fault my SIL decided to have a fling with him and get caught, now the horses pay because my MIL and FIL banned him from the yard. We bought the horse feed, it is not my fault that , though we had enough feed to do the winter, he fed it to them before Christmas and he was buying some feed to make up for it, we were still buying the lion share of it. Same with the hay.) So after much debate, it was decided to keep the horses. Much to the relief of Little Miss. Then my FIL went back on his rip about the horses and my MIL started in on them. My FIL had found a man that would take the horses. Yes, take the horses as in for FREE. Over my very loud and very long protest about how the horses would not be leaving here and definitely not for free, my husband called the man to come get them. Happy Mother’s Day to me, they left here on Sunday. Little Miss went to the park, so she would not witness them leaving. One doesn’t load very well and the other had never loaded into a trailer at all so we were unsure of how things would go. Little Miss came home and was told they were gone, all out waterworks! FIL felt guilty, he should. Her tears were only dried with the thought that Miss Daisy would be home on Monday. Monday the tears flowed freely.
She asked if it was OK to pray for the animals. I told her God created all the creatures so I was sure it would be OK. She prayed that the horses would be happy, she prayed that Daisy would be OK, she prayed that Crisco was happy. She asked for comfort for herself. I prayed and thanked God that I had such a wonderful, caring daughter.
Tuesday came and Miss Daisy, I was told was doing better and might be coming home after the vet saw her. I shared this tidbit of information with Little Miss at Awards Day. She was excited, we came home and was expecting a call from the vet saying come get this rotten dog, only to find we had no call. I called and was told she had vomited and still needed to stay. Little Miss was devastated. She had prayed for Daisy to get well and to come home. She missed her so much and God hadn’t listened to her. I tried to explain that Daisy was better, she was passed the Parvo and now it was just getting her to keep down food. God answered all prayers, just sometimes not the way we wanted them answered. That Daisy was better there with a vet to take care of her. That perhaps God knew we couldn’t give her the care she needed and so Daisy had gotten sick so that the vet knew to keep her a little longer.
There were more tears and some doubt that God cared anything about the critters or her. It is so hard to explain to an 8 year old that there are so many mysteries in the world and that God has a plan and we just have to trust him. I have always had faith in God but I have never been overly religious. I have prayed nightly and on other occasions when I felt prayer was needed. We did not attend church growing up but my mother and grandparents taught us. And I will admit to doing my own fair share of praying lately. And I have at times wondered why my prayers seem to go unanswered. It is hard to tell a child to pray but not to assume that their prayer will be answered in the way she wants. My husband, though he believes in God, is not so big on praying for everyday problems. After hearing that the animal lovers in the house were praying for Daisy’s quick return home, suggested we stop praying.
As I was finishing up supper and Hubby was feeding the dogs, Little Miss brought Miley in to feed her. Since we rarely use the kitchen table, Miley is fed there so that the dogs don’t get her food. For some unknown reason, Little Miss let Miley down in the floor and she was wondering around the kitchen. In a flash of teeth, Bella had snapped at MIley for being too close to her food bowl while she was eating and we all witnessed Miley as she thrashed about in a circle in the floor. I sent Bella to her cage, grabbed Little Miss and prayed that the good Lord would take Miley quickly and without suffering. Little Miss was unable to breath and was crying and screaming that we had to take Miley to the vet and she would do anything for her baby to be OK. I looked at my husband who was crying and unable to do anything but stare and ask what we were going to do.
I shooed Little Miss out of the house and went to check on Miley, she was laying on her side and had all but quit thrashing about. I was sure her neck was broke and no amount of money would save her. I was sure that if we were to take her to the vet, hundreds or thousands of dollars would be spent to find out that she couldn’t be saved. I told my husband I didn’t see where she could be saved, though I did not want her to suffer, I could see no reason to spend a great deal of money, we did not have, to take her to the vet. I was informed he could not finish what Bella had started. I told him, I didn’t expect him to. We went out on the porch to talk to Little Miss. I explained that I felt there wasn’t a chance for Miley to survive. I told her to pray and ask God to take Miley and end her suffering. She refused to pray, God had not been listening to her and she wasn’t going to pray anymore. First Daisy, now Miley, she would not pray. My husband couldn’t take the tears any longer and went in to check on Miley. He called me in. I walked through the door and Miley was trying to walk. She was wobbly and she kept falling and she had messed all over the kitchen. I told Hubby to get a box to put her in. I lifted her ever so gently into the box, figuring this would be the box she was buried in.
My husband let anger take hold and kicked the cage that Bella was in, repeatedly. I told him to look, Miley had gotten out of the box and was trying to head to the living room. It was decided that Bella would have to go. I could not chance that it would not happen again and that if it happened again, that it could be my child. I told my husband to leave her in her pen and tomorrow we would carry her to the Humane Society and explain what had happened. The decision of whether she would be adopted out or put to sleep would be their decision. I no more than got it out of my mouth when I looked up and saw the terror in Little Miss’ eyes. I had not seen her standing there and I had not intended for her to know that Bella would be leaving us until she was gone and I did not want to know if she was put down, so I would not be lying to my child when I told her I did not know Bella’s fate.
The tears returned, she did not want Bella to die, it was her fault, she shouldn’t have put Miley down in the floor. I grabbed her and told her it was not her fault. She asked why God hated us. I told her God loved us. She wanted to know why he would put her through all of this with the animals if he loved us. I told her we grew stronger through the trials of life. She informed us that she was DAMN strong now and she had no intention of getting any stronger and that God could just quit trying. I let her curse word go, I felt she was hurting enough. How do you explain to a child, God doesn’t allow bad to happen without a reason and that truly God didn’t make bad things happen, they just happen.
It is at this point I wished I attended church, perhaps a preacher could do a better job than I was doing. Such hard questions, at such a hard time. If I screw this up, I could ruin her for life. My husband, almost as if he was reading my mind, said maybe we should start going to church.
I called Little Miss over and told her to look at Miley, she was breathing and creeping about in her box. Little Miss cried. I told her that I thought Miley had slipped into a coma, that I felt maybe Miley was holding on for her. That maybe it would be a good idea if she let Miley know that she loved her and she didn’t want her to suffer and it was OK for her to let go. She started crying harder and told me that she didn’t want to let Miley go. I told her that sometimes we must let people and animals go, sometimes it was for the best. Miley was breathing very shallow and so very slow. Little Miss finally agreed, she didn’t want Miley to suffer. She told her she loved her very much, that she would always love her, and though she wanted her to grow old with her, she did not want her to suffer and for her to let go. She reached in and petted her, I told her to go in peace and with much love and rubbed her front paw. I looked and Miley was breathing deeply and almost purring. It was weak, but it was a purr still the same. Little Miss looked up at me and asked if God would forgive her for doubting him. I told her she was forgiven. Jesus had died on the cross so that she could be forgiven. She asked me to pray with her. She asked for comfort and strength for MIley. She asked him to heal her. I told her to not get her hopes up too high, I still didn’t see her making it through the night. She called The Boy and told him what had happened. He in turn texted the young girl who had been the cause of Miley coming to us. She came right over to check on Little Miss. A friend of Hubby came over. Hubby asked that Little Miss not come out and make him cry, for he could not be a manly man and cry over a cat. She went out to tell him that Miley was still alive and told the friend what happened. He said he knew where 7 kittens, no bigger than Miley, were and he would take her there to get anyone she wanted. She said he wiped his eyes and told her he was going home to call the man with the kittens and let him know she was to get the pick of the litter.
She asked if we still had to get rid of Bella. I told her, I couldn’t trust her anymore. I know she didn’t do it with malice in her heart, but she had done it still the same. I explained that I didn’t know what I would’ve done if it had been her. If Bella had got her leg or arm or her face or worse yet her throat. I love Bella and she is my dog, but the trust was gone and I had always said if she did anything that made me not trust her, she would have to go. She asked if she could get a kitten. I told her not if she thought it would replace Miley.
At Little Miss’ bedtime, she went and told Miley good night and that she loved her. As she got into bed, the events of the night and last few nights hit her. She started crying inconsolably. First Crisco, then Dinner, then Daisy, then the horses, now Miley. She cried and asked why were cursed. I told her we weren’t cursed, though I am beginning to wonder, and to have happy thoughts. She couldn’t quit crying, a deep heart wrenching cry that ripped my chest open and tore my still beating heart out of my chest and threw it on the floor and stomped on it. I sat with her and tried to comfort her, it was no use, I just held her as she cried. She asked me to leave her alone, she just needed to be alone. I sat in the living room with my heart breaking listening to her every tear fall.
I checked on Miley, she was sitting up and she looked at me, as if to say, “What is all the fuss about?” I thought about calling Little Miss in to see it, but I feared getting her hopes up only to have Miley die during the night. After another 15 minutes of my heart aching, I went to Little Miss’ room, she informed me that she couldn’t go to sleep, she was just too sad. About Miley and about Daisy. I told her I wanted to show her something, but for her not to get her hopes up. I took her into the kitchen to see Miley. She had laid down, but she looked up at her and meowed. Little Miss looked at me and said God does answer prayers. She went to bed and fell sound asleep out of pure exhaustion. A full hour and a half past her bedtime.
I went and kneeled at Miley’s box and I am not ashamed to say I prayed like I have never prayed before. I prayed for Little Miss’ comfort and for her strength, I prayed about her crisis of faith and asked for guidance for both her and myself, I prayed for Miley, for her to get better, for her strength, I prayed for Daisy, for her health, strength and comfort. I prayed for strength and guidance. I prayed that I had handled the whole situation right. I felt better. I had cried, I had survived. I took my shower and went to bed completely physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I fully expected to wake up in the morning and find Miley had passed quietly during the night.
When the alarm clock went off after only a few hours of sleep, I had no desire to get up, to see if Miley had made it through the night, to deal with Little Miss, to see Bella. But I knew I must, I inched out of the bedroom and tiptoed over to the box, I dreaded the idea of having to check her, to tell Little Miss that she was gone. Would I send her to school or keep her home? She has missed quite a few days and it is so close to the end of the school year. I finally peeked into the box, I was met with the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. She was laying, but looking up at me. I picked her up. She still had the matted hair at her ear. Bella had got her head not her neck. She had no puncture marks. She does however have a droopy eye. Not so much droopy but it doesn’t open as wide as the other. You have seen a pissed off cat? The half open eye they get? Well, she has it. She is half pissed at all times. I hope it doesn’t last, I fear she may be partially paralyzed. The bite was on her left side, her eye is smaller on her right side and her face looks a bit drawn on that side too.
Little Miss woke up grumpy from a lack of sleep, it seems in her dreams she had gotten through 3 years of college and now she would have to start over. Back to the same ole grind. Everything is my fault. She went out and found wild flowers for Miley, she seemed to appreciate them. Little Miss went to school and already knew that this was a story to be shared with the class.
As I sat here writing this, I heard a rustle from Miley’s box, I figured she was moving away from the bowl of milk we put down for her and thought nothing of it. That is, until I looked at the corner of the couch and she was curled up there sleeping soundly. She seems to be afraid of dogs, wonder why. Misty was rubbing the couch with her side and stopped to sniff Miley and I thought her heart was going to jump out of her chest. She was breathing fast and staring a hole through Misty. Maybe she will be OK. I hope so.
We have been floating through life a lot here lately at Casa Life. Praying mindlessly, thankful for what we have, but not thanking him for what we have. Asking for forgiveness, but still living a life that we must ask for forgiveness. Praying for the big things and never thinking of the small. Perhaps a small miracle and a crisis of faith is what we needed to wake us up and make us realize that we must stop floating along, but rather live life. Live, Laugh, Love. I am awake now and I plan to live life to the fullest, laugh often and loud and love with all of my heart. Thank you for listening to me as I proclaim the Lord is my Savior and I shall walk beside him always. Of course, that won’t stop me from griping here and entertaining my tens of readers, for I do believe the good Lord expects it of me! heh!!! You know he has a sense of humor, I have seen it in my own life. As I sit here and watch Miley sleep, I give thanks for all of the wonderful blessings I have received through out my life. I am so sorry this turned into such a long post, I had a lot in my heart that I just had to say. I must go now and call and check on Daisy. Half of the day is gone and I have yet to accomplish anything. So until tomorrow…..
HAVE A GREAT DAY AND THANKS FOR VISITING!!!!!!!!!
