I will get to dork mom but first a few updates and gripes…
Why is it when something hurts you ram it in to everything and the animals won’t stay off of it? Yesterday I dropped the end of The Boy’s mattress on them, I ran them in to the wall too many times to count, I hung them on a cable from The Boy’s bow, I rammed then in to the legs of his bed, I pulled the vacuum over them, I pulled the carpet cleaner over them, twice, and all three dogs were kind enough to step on them every time they got near me. Oh and the fat ass cat sat on them! So I think if they weren’t broken before it is quite possible that they are now! What do you think?
Well, I managed to get The Boy’s room cleaned. I found nothing incriminating! Thank the Lord! I discovered he has too many thick winter coats! Three Carhartt coats are too many for anyone, and he has 3 camouflage coats on top of that! Half his closet is full of coats. I can also tell him, when he screams someone has stolen his sunglasses, to look under his bed! I found four pairs under there.
And what is the limit on rebel flag objects? Hats, lighters, beer beverage holders, flags, shirts, etc…. He isn’t racist, I swear! He is just a Redneck! *hangs head in shame* I guess I will call it southern pride and let it go!
I swear he is half billy goat! I found no less than twenty bottle rings chewed up! He has a problem, he gets his drink, he takes that ring off and then he chews on it! Is there a 12 step program for that?
I thought I had tore up my vacuum….it was throwing more out than it was sucking up! And it was leaving a trail of lint behind it. Upon close inspection, I discovered it had a hairball! It took me a while but I finally figured out how the shit travels through the thing and disassembled it and forced it to puke up the hair and misc. other things it had eaten! So The Boy’s room is closer to spotless and it don’t stink as bad, I am happy with it!
MIL is up to her old tricks again. She called here yesterday morning, within minutes of me letting the dogs out, she wanted to borrow an onion. I told her I didn’t have one, I had had hamburgers the night before and wanted an onion but I didn’t get one. Her response…..I had one you should have come over here and got it. Why call to borrow one if you have one? She was trying to see if Little Miss was up, she had hellion#2 and was looking to pawn him off! He managed to make his way over here just as Little Miss got up. I swear she has the house bugged!
MIL sent both of them back over here to ask me if they could get in the pool. “Sure, if mammaw can watch you because I am busy PLURKINGcleaning your brother’s room.” That is where the problem laid. Little Miss was suppose to ask me if they could go swimming with mammaw watching them from in the house, not by the pool! Which she did admit when push come to shove. I said…..”UH, NO! You can only get in the pool if someone is in with you or sitting in the chairs next to the pool. Things happen too fast to be that far away!” But of course I ruined her life now! She would have to wait a whole hour before she could get in, since mammaw was cooking! I informed her she could be waiting a whole day if she didn’t drop the attitude! They went across the yard pissed, but alive! I thought I showed great restraint! MIL wouldn’t have been watching them, she would be on the phone or in the kitchen where she couldn’t see them. IDIOT! She didn’t want to watch them and knew I wouldn’t allow them to get in unsupervised! They waited all of 5 minutes before they were in, with her poolside! Bitch!!
NOW ON TO DORK MOM…….
Little Miss has decided she wants to be a girly girl when she is going somewhere. Fingernails and toe nails painted to match the outfit, this one is on me! She can’t paint them yet, so I have to do it for her. She has taken to blow drying her hair and fixing it. I still can’t figure out which teeny bopper role model she was following when she decided that she must wear her ponytail to the side! And when she can get away with it, just a tad of make up! Little blusher and lip gloss. I will allow that from time to time, it is way better than it was when she had that blue eye shadow. She is 8 years old! Is this the time when they become teenagers? I started wanting to wear make up out of the house when I was like….12. I was allowed at 13.
I have saw little girls in Little Miss’ class, the THIRD grade, with full blown makeup on! Foundation, blusher, eye shadow, lip stick, the works!!! I am 3*grumble, grumble, grumble* and I don’t wear that much! OK, I used to wear a lot of make up. Then I had kids!
Before the boys, I got up and put on makeup first thing in the morning, even if I wasn’t planning on leaving the house, you never know who might show up! Of course, I was 16 when my oldest was born, so I was still young enough to care how I looked.
After the boys, I put on make up IF I was going somewhere. If I was just going to be home, why bother. After Little Miss, if I combed my hair and brushed my teeth I was a happy soul! Now I rarely wear make up, only for special occasions. You know funerals, weddings and such! heh!!
If hubby comes through the door and I have on make up, he wants to know where he has to go! Or what exactly I want. BAWHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, occasionally, I put on make up for that reason! *blushes*
It isn’t that I don’t want to or that I don’t care how I look, but rather I am lazy! Most people say I look just as nice without makeup as with it, so why bother. Little Miss has gotten putting on blusher to a science. She makes her cheeks have just a bit of color, but not too much. You can barely make out it is there, I think it is because she is sneaking around to wear it. And the lip gloss has just a bit of color to it, so it is not all shine. She does better than some people I know. *cough, MIL,cough, RED, cough*
But really what age should you let little girls start wearing makeup? I know not 8 or 9, but what age? I don’t let her out with makeup on often and when I do, she doesn’t look like a harlot or anything.
And the talks she wants to have now… I am not ready for those! She is at that age where she likes boys, but boys still think girls are somewhat gross. So we have a lot of talks about boys. About boys, I can talk about. It’s the kissing and other stuff that makes me choke on my tea! She is 8!!!! For crying out loud, she should have no questions on other stuff!!!! She asks about *looking around* sex. 8 people, do you hear me, 8!!!
Just the other night, hubby asked about his “pay”, you know, being cute. Little Miss was there and asked if I “paid” daddy better if she wasn’t around. *faints* I, thinking I would throw her off, said I paid daddy the same whether she was around or not. She responded by saying “Really?” I asked her what she thought we were talking about. She said, “You know.” I told her I didn’t. She said, “It was spelled like yes only turn it around and change the y to an x.” *faints dead away, and is closely followed by Little Miss’ father!* When did she find out about this stuff? 8!!!! Only 8!!!!! I blame TV!! Better it than me!
And she is interested in when she will start her “mommy” thing. And what it is like, what happens, how often it happens, what age will she be. *oh, Lord, kill me now!!!* I can handle some of it….I know the answers, but some of it…. I know the answers but how to put in terms an 8 year old will get and not be traumatized, that is a problem. I mean what happens? You produce an egg and your body gets rid of it. Easy, peasy, I can handle this! What happens? You bleed. *OOPS, what is that look?* How often? Every 28 days or so. That one was easy. Won’t you bleed to death? Of course not. Back to easy, peasy! What if you don’t have it? *DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!* Well……. we will talk when your older. * feeling weak kneed, this conversation must end! It is leading down a road I don’t want to travel just yet!* Can you have sex with it? *Fainting* Come on!!!! When did she get that old? She is my baby, she can’t want to know about sex! Not yet, I am not ready!!!!!
She wants to know where babies come from….. And she isn’t satisfied with God puts them in the mommy’s belly anymore! She wants to know it all. I thought I was COOL mom, I am finding out I am DORK mom!!!
Before my oldest moved out, we talked. He told me he wanted to live with Ash before they got married. He figured if they could get along living together, they would make it. He told me she was his soul mate. He told me they didn’t want children anytime soon and were careful about it. I didn’t die, I didn’t faint dead away!! I was COOL mom. I told him I was proud of him for being responsible! I told him I was glad he found her so young. I told him I just wanted him to be happy!! When she moved in with him, I helped them get their house set up, gave them pots and pans, dishes and cups, sheets. Asked them to set up a spare room so mammaw wouldn’t think they were sleeping in the same room. See COOL mom!!!
When The Boy got drunk the first time, did I scold him? Well, not at first I allowed him to sober up before laying into him. No at first I made fun of him! When he got drunk on Vodka and grape Ne Hi, did I scream? No, I offered him grape Ne Hi every chance I got! Seems grape Ne Hi isn’t so wonderful coming up! When I got in my car, after he borrowed it to go out, and found 3 condoms, did I freak out? Well, yes! Who wouldn’t? But after I recovered and picked my jaw up off the ground, all I did was tell him to get his “stuff” out of the floor board. When I walked in on him…um….”taking care of business”, did I die? No! I freaked out, but recovered nicely, by asking him when the bathroom light went out. You see the bathroom is right next to his room and that is where I ran went to when I retreated. See COOL mom!!!!
Now with Little Miss, I am finding COOL mom has left the building and has been replaced by DORK mom. She asks questions and I stammer around like an idiot! Am I getting too old to be COOL mom? Is it my age that is making me DORK mom? Or is she just harder? The boy’s couldn’t get pregnant. They could get someone pregnant, but they couldn’t get pregnant. I talked to them about being careful, being responsible. I told them if they got a girl pregnant, it was just the same as them being pregnant. They would have a child for the rest of their life and they would forever be tied to the girl. See scare the hell out of them, well, it has worked so far. But Little Miss, I fear screwing her up! Advice?
Speaking of the devil spawn, she is up so I must go. So until next time……….
HAVE A GREAT DAY AND THANKS FOR VISITING!!!!
