I am too tired to come up with a title, please insert witty title here!

I had a few thoughts on a title….Another day in hell…… Life with Little Miss……It’s too fucking early to get up and write a post………..Would you miss me if i weren’t here for a couple of days………..Really, your not so important that they would notice you gone……There is not enough coffee in the world to get me going……… But none of them cranked my tractor.

I had another post in mind and I will get to it, but first………..

Little Miss is a BRAT of grand proportions!!!! To say I don’t like her right now is an understatement!!!! And hubby was of no help this morning! Last night is a night I hope i don’t have again for a LONG time!

It started with wrestling! Little Miss brat watches wrestling, almost every night. Did you know wrestling came on almost every night? I didn’t but I do now. Anyway, hubby went to bed and I was trying to read my favs and do a little plurking and I was getting a blow by blow account of all that was going on, and when she would register my blank look, I got a blow by blow account of the whole back story! To say I could care less, don’t even come close. But being the good mom I listened. It went off at 10:10, she had agreed to turn off the TV after wrestling. She asked for 30 more minutes. I relented, I did have a few blogs to read. Then she requested to stay up til 11, her show went off at 11. After making sure it was not a nightmare making show, I said that’s it, 11 o’clock!

At 11, I went in to turn off the TV. That’s when all hell broke loose! Or at least that was when it started. She wasn’t sleepy! By making her go to sleep when she wasn’t sleepy, I was going to be the cause of her having nightmares! She really wasn’t sleepy! I was tired, I was getting ill, I told her to go to sleep. More grinding on my nerves and I walked out of the room, where she promptly turned her TV back on! If I didn’t fear the outcome of going back in immediately, I would have went back and turned off the TV and yanked her out of the bed and throttled her, but see, I feared the outcome!

I went in and told her I was ready for bed. She told me to go on to bed, she would be fine. I told her she had until midnight, because I knew I wouldn’t get sleep anyway with her wondering all  over the house. Midnight came and without a word I turned her TV off and informed her if it came back on again, I would have a TV in my room again! Cue all out hissy fit! I told her I really wasn’t in the mod for that but if she wanted to get hateful, well, I was a master at it and to bring it on! Being sleepy doesn’t bring out the best in me. Nor does it make me remotely mature!

So it started, her back and forth and me getting madder by the second. She wanted to stay up til dad left. She wasn’t sleepy. She would be fine up by herself. I didn’t care about her. I didn’t care if she was happy. I didn’t love her. By 12:30, I didn’t like her! I loved her but I would have traded her in on a better sleeper. She finally got that I wasn’t giving in around 12:45. The Boy got up for a drink and snack right about that time, he didn’t help matters. Wanting to know why I was up, why I was ill…..Let’s just say I told him! At 1am, I finally crawled in to bed with hubby. Got nice and comfortable……Then his alarm started going off!!!

This alarm clock is the most annoying alarm clock in the world! A whiny, high pitched, set your teeth  on edge, needs to be thrown across the room beep, beep, beeping!!! I usually don’t hear his alarm, but just climbing in to bed makes a difference. And he hit snooze! After beating the hell out of my alarm clock, how hard is it to find the taller of the two clocks!

Yes we have two alarm clocks and both have dual alarms. He doesn’t get woke up to mine and I never hear his go off. His is set for cement mornings and  regular mornings. Mine is set for making sure The Boy is up and Blog time. Both clocks are on his table, because when we rearranged the room last time, my table wouldn’t fit next to the bed.

Anyway, his alarm went off every 7 minutes for the next 21 minutes!!! Can you say getting iller by the minute? OH, I can! He finally got up and had the nerve to ask me why I didn’t get him up when his alarm went off the first time. Not a good idea, and he knew it when he saw the red in my eyes in the dark! Just as I was about to go to sleep, all that fooling around he had did with my alarm clock, it went off! He had hit nap! I am happy to report, I still have an alarm clock! But it was touch and go this morning as I was holding it in my hands wondering if it would put a hole in my wall.

I got comfy, stretched across the bed, it’s over right? Wrong Little Miss waltzes her ass in the room and gets in the bed and smiles!!! This has been what it was all about! Sleeping in the bed with me! I got up, I was fuming, I was pissed!!! When I told this story to hubby….did he have sympathy for me? Did he bless my heart? NO! Was he an ass and point out the obvious? Yes! He tells me I am the parent and to just go in and turn off the TV. Well, DUH, I never thought of that! It seems to be the thing to do, but I still would have the whole up and down thing, I told him as much, maybe not so nicely. He told me to get in her bed, if I didn’t want to sleep with her. Well, her room doesn’t have the alarm clock and her bed isn’t as comfortable as mine! Mine has my pillows and my covers!

He decides to leave before I have a chance to jump straddle him and give him the beating Little Miss deserves! That’s when it hit! My stomach started rolling. I will spare you the details but I didn’t climb into bed until 3am this morning!!!! My alarm screamed at me at 4:30, I had to make sure The Boy was up, he was showered but had crawled back in the bed and went back to sleep. I informed him I would not be back, to get his ass up! Apparently he did, he isn’t here anyway.

So when my alarm went off this morning at 7am, all I wanted to do was roll back over and go to sleep, but Little Miss and taken over the bed and covers, so I dragged my tired and abused body up and got in front of the computer! Really I think it is the only one that is nice to me sometimes. Now watch the damn thing eat my post! I post today because I know I won’t post tomorrow and because I am in need of a little blog therapy!

Tomorrow I go to yet another doctor! I am told this one is the best, I have heard that before. I am told if I can be diagnosed this is the guy who will do it! Heard that too. My parents go to church with a lady who swears I have MS, she has it and she went through exactly what I have been through, complete with being treated like a nut. This is the guy who diagnosed her. She went through 3 years of doctors and test and on her first visit, he told her she had MS. She is doing better with medication, it is controlled a bit now.

She has started a support group, she has begged my parents to bring me. I just can’t go to a support group for MS unless I am diagnosed with it, it just doesn’t seem right. She swears, it doesn’t matter, that I am going through what all of them went through. Being told it is depression, that they can’t find anything, that it is all in their head, treating them like drug seekers. Everything I have been through. I had a doctor tell me I don’t have MS, but it was the same doctor who told her she didn’t have MS, so……

I have said it before, but I am going to say it again, if this doctor treats me like I am a hypochondriac, I am not going to another doctor! My family doctor more or less told my husband I had decided that there was something wrong with me and I wouldn’t be happy unless somebody found it. That I liked the attention! What fucking attention? The attention I get when my family bitches about me feeling bad again, or the attention I get when I don’t feel like getting off the couch and they are bitching about me not doing anything. Or could it be the attention I get when I walk like a retard through the grocery store? You know getting those looks of “what the hell is wrong with her” just gets me off!!!!

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like shit! I am tired of being able to walk a mile one minute and the next minute I can’t take a step without my knees buckling! I am tired of my legs hurting, my chest hurting, my arms hurting, I am tired of giving out after just minutes of activity. I am tired of my mind going, losing my thoughts, losing my words. I am tired of my eyes being wonky. I am tired of being ILL!!! I am tired of everyone looking at me and wondering if there is really something wrong or if I am a hypochondriac! I am tired of my MIL comparing herself to me, as in, “I am just like you, they can’t seem to figure out what is wrong with me.” I’m just tired!

I am tired of feeling like everyone thinks I am crazy or faking it! I have a 3 page list of symptoms from the last, almost, 3 years. I plan on taking it with me, hubby says not to, I will look like a nut. That is too far back and too many things. But I want this doctor to know I have been putting up with this shit for almost 3 years and everyday I suffer from at least one, if not more, of those symptoms! Sometimes I feel like hubby wonders if it is all in my head. He keeps saying something is wrong, but he doesn’t know what it is. He says maybe stress, maybe MS, maybe I am just a nut, like the doctor said. I believe he knows I have all of the symptoms, but I wonder if he thinks I really have them or if my mind is playing games.

And the bad part of all of this…… I want a name for what is wrong, I want to be able to blame something for how I feel. But I don’t know if I want to know what it is. Does that make any sense? I want a name, but I fear what it will be. But I want to know what to expect next, how bad it will get, what I can do to help slow it down. I want to be able to say XYZ is what is wrong with me. I am not lazy by nature, it is XYZ. But then again I don’t want to tell anyone, I don’t want them to look at me funny.

I have researched a few things. MS is one of them. MS fits like a glove. I could have wrote the symptoms list! But hundreds of things mimic MS. Some I can throw out the door pretty easy…….African heritage, out……Jewish heritage, out……..Lupus, been checked, out………Thyroid, been checked a hundred times, out…….Lyme disease, no ticks, no rash, out……….This one, birth defect, out……….That one, life long affliction, out……….Syphilis, tested, out……….., heavy metals, tested, out……….. Many other things out. But there are some that are rare and not tested for, some can’t be tested for. All my test come back fine, it drives me crazy! I have honestly wished a test would come back abnormal! Bad, ain’t it?

I am a nervous wreck. What if he says he doesn’t know? What if he says I am crazy? What if he knows what it is? Do I really want to know? I think at this point any diagnoses would make me happy! It would be a relief to know I am not crazy.  I would almost do a dance of joy if he said MS. Sounds crazy, don’t it? But you see MS is debilitating, but not fatal. Some of the other things I have looked in to….fatal! Of course one went out the door, it is fatal within 6 months of the first attack, not what I have.

To tell the truth, MS is not a disease I had even thought of. When the doctor said he wanted to rule out MS, I thought he was crazy! I thought of the kids in wheel chairs with their arms drawn up and barely able to talk, that was not me! But I found out I was thinking of CP. Or Jerry’s kids. MS strikes adults, it can hit hard or it can creep up on you. You can go through something like remission, where you feel fine. You can hurt in different places at different times. You have good days, bad days and worse days. I swear I know all of that!

I read a few blogs on MS, I could have wrote them! The way I feel physically and mentally, all right there in those blogs! And one was told on three occasions by three different doctors she did not have MS. She finally found the right doctor who asked the right questions and told her she had MS. After almost 5 years! The doctor I am going to tomorrow has an MS clinic, I think he might know the right questions to ask. But it is scary too.

Don’t misunderstand me, I do not want to be diagnosed with MS, but I do want to be diagnosed!!!

I have been interrupted too many times to count. MIL, phone, dogs, hubby, now Little Miss is up. I have lost my train of thought. I will post the results of the appointment. Hubby took off Wednesday and Thursday, I don’t know why Thursday, I guess in case I got bad news. He now says he will work Thursday, but you can never tell. So either Thursday, if hubby returns to work or Friday, if he don’t, I will let you know what, if anything, I found out. Wish me luck! Wish me calm nerves! Hope for an answer!Sorry for the downer of a post and the length, but I needed to say a few things. Until next time……

HAVE A GREAT DAY AND THANKS FOR VISITING!!!!!!!!!!